Dr. Lisa's Bountiful Life

The Dance

There are those of us who are ruled by our heads, and those of us who are ruled by our hearts.

Each has its advantages. Each has its struggles.

Those of us who for whom the head and heart are equally (or somewhat equally) matched perhaps could be thought fortunate.

Except that it is never as easy as that: the head and the heart rarely find balance without a significant tussle.

And this tussle often proves lifelong.

Those who have the benefit of an active mind rejoice in the thinking.  We revel in the turning of thoughts about in our minds. We gather up knowledge, and ideas and concepts. We sort and delineate. We attempt to make sense of the world.

Those of us who have the benefit of an connected heart rejoice in the feeling. We experience the unfathomable beauty of the world. We know deep, rich, crazy love.

We find that trying to make sense of the unfathomable can cause frustration and difficulty.

We find that trying to be logical, and rational, in the face things inexplicable, yet deeply known, can cause heartache untold.

Thus, we dance in the middle, often alone.

We seek balance, often without success.

In the process confusing those around us.

Yet such is our lot, and an interesting one it is.  We are who we are: beings of the head/heart.

Ruled by both, we hope that those who love us will keep trying to understand us, even as we are trying to understand ourselves.

Ruled by both, we understand the confusion that we cause.

Ruled by both, we hope that those who love us might hear our song, and agree to join the dance.

 

 

river run

February 2012

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Dr. Lisa's Bountiful Blog is read on the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour & Podcast. Show summaries are available on the Dr. Lisa website. Subscribe to podcasts of the show through iTunes and let us know what you think!

 

Enough, and More

Love is at once complex and simple.

To love someone is often simple. We may be drawn to an individual in ways that defy cognition. We resonate to that individual--to his touch, his smell, his voice.

This part is easy. We cannot, in many cases, help who we love. We love despite ourselves.

The complexity is in the logistics.

And in the fit.

Sometimes we come to find that no matter how much we love another, our life does not fit with his. Try as we might to force this fit, it simply cannot be made to happen.

Which we may only acknowledge after years of painful trying. Perhaps, even, after marrying and having children together.

While working towards a love, and the act of loving, is highly laudable, it can also be achingly ill-advised.

Decades into a relationship, the dismantling of a shared life may be the unfortunate result.

The dismantling of shared life and love rarely takes place without a sense of bitterness and regret; sadness and frustration.

Especially when those involved feel that they have done all they could to make things fit together.

Inevitably there is a feeling of being under-appreciated for all that was attempted, typically from both sides.

When really, the issue was not "being enough."

Rather, it was having the "right fit."

It was having shared vision and goals; it was looking forward in the same direction.

It was being able to work through a complex set of logistics--or even having the desire to do so in the first place.

Love is simple, and also complex.

It should not be squandered, nor should it be taken lightly. 

It should not be assumed that a shared life is the inevitable conclusion.

It should not be assumed that a shared life cannot be made to work.

To love may be simple.

To live love, despite its complexities, near to divine.

 

Popham walk

February 2012

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Dr. Lisa's Bountiful Blog is read on the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour & Podcast. Show summaries are available on the Dr. Lisa website. Subscribe to podcasts of the show through iTunes and let us know what you think!

To Thine Ownself

Sophie Grace, born as she was on Valentine's Day, cannot be other than the child of my heart.

A changeling fifth-grader, today she turns eleven.

Middle school has been an interesting process for Miss Sophie. She is an enigmatic child--wordly wise and innocent in the same instant.

As one might expect of a heart-child, her lanky self is exquisitely attuned to the energy of those around her. She is ever aware of the people who populate her world. 

Her ability to read people and situations  is a gift belying her years.

It is also a fascinating handicap in a world where things are not always as they appear. 

There is, most will admit, a vast difference between what is true, and what others want us to believe.

There is also, often, a vast difference between who we are and who others may wish us to be.

With heart-children, the pull to make others happy is strong.

We know that by agreeing to believe as we are told, and act as we are "supposed to," that others will find pleasure in our company.

The "Be Yourself" mantra, though popular, does not always win friends.

Heart-children like Sophie witness this truism from their earliest years.

And yet this is what I wish for my changeling heart-child: that she would ever follow the counsel offered by Shakespeare's Polonius...

"To thine ownself be true."

I hope that as her mother, I will have the wisdom and ability to bolster my daughter's strength should she chose to follow this rocky path.

I must admit to having often taken the less rocky path of self-morphing to fit the expectations of others, rather than heed the song of my own tender heart.

But the beauty of parenthood is that it offers us a second chance to right what may have previously been wrong in our own lives, and enables us to move this rightness forward into the next generation.

This Valentine's Day I leave these words to a daughter who may someday chose to read them:

Happiest of birthdays, Miss Sophie Grace.

Child of my heart you will always remain.

May you find the courage to love yourself as much as I love you.

 

 

Former Home Farewell

I returned today to the house that my former husband and I once shared, with the purpose of discussing a few clean-up tasks. My former husband met me there.

Our conversation was civil (as it typically is) and businesslike.

Just before leaving, however, I asked if he had found the process as depressing as I had.

He admitted that we were of like mind.

Later in the day, he told me that he had previously refrained from returning to our shared house, because he felt as if it were mocking him.

This is the house I had lived in alone since last spring.

This is the house I moved out of because I could no longer bear the whispers of grief that bounced off of its walls.

I was surprised by how sad I felt to be in the house with my former husband. We have worked through much and have a good relationship now.

But our relationship is based on largely separate lives, rather than the one we once shared.

Returning to the "scene of the crime" brought the shared memories crashing back.

Memories of the past few years include many that cause pain to course through my heart and soul.  These are memories of an increasingly distant relationship, failed communications and deep longing for something that would never again be whole.

But with them, once the veil of sorrow parts, are other memories. Memories of three children and their laughter. Birthdays. Baseball games. Hugs. Warmth.

And gratitude. Gratitude for a home that kept us safe and sheltered.

Gratitude for a relationship that is shifting into a friendship.

Gratitude for love that I have known, and continue to know even as it takes a different form.

I wish my former husband well. I thank him for the time we shared together within the walls of our former home.

I thank him for returning with me to say goodbye.

Friends We Never Knew We Had

It is uniquely concerning to receive a text from one's child describing potentially life-threatening illness symptoms.

Headache, stiff neck, fever, lethargy, vomiting.

These are not a good constellation of descriptors.

Especially when one is a physician who has both treated and seen the aftermath of meningitis--the illness often associated with the constellation of aforementioned descriptors.

Now, add in the fact that one's child is roughly 2, 334 miles away, in a third world Central American country.

And, that one's child is barely eighteen years old.

As you might have guessed, I received just such a text. The past forty-eight hours have been interesting, to say the least.

My child is currently in a Guatemalan hospital awaiting the final results of his spinal tap. Fortunately, preliminary results were negative for meningitis, and he is scheduled to be released today.

The presumed diagnosis (sinusitis) is much less severe and more easily treatable than the one I had feared.

To know that my baby was far away, and I was completely unable to help him, certainly gave me pause.

What also gave me pause was that both his roommate's mother (Jan) and his roommate (Nico) contacted me via Facebook to give me updates on my son's condition.

Both offered up Nico's contact phone number. 

Nico told me that he was taking time off from work to make sure that my son was ok.

Keep in mind that I've never met Jan, and spent only brief amounts of time with Nico during my visit to Guatemala last Thanksgiving.

But these kind souls became, in my moments of parental concern, the friends I needed.

They were friends that I didn't realize I had.

We should all be so fortunate as to be loved by those who owe us nothing.

Our lives, even when seemingly threatened, often reveal themselves to be suprisingly, powerfully blessed.

Campbell & Nico

Guatemala 2011

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Dr. Lisa's Bountiful Blog is read weekly on the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour. Show summaries are available on the Dr. Lisa website. Subscribe to podcasts of the show through iTunes and let us know what you think!

Schedule a phone or office consult with Dr. Lisa at 207 847 9393.

Time Only

Five years ago my friend died.

Her life ended. My life shifted, dramatically.

My life had been in the process of shifting, but January 18, 2007 was a significant demarcation point, nonetheless.

It was the day I realized that there is no time to lose.

It was the day I realized that days spent unhappy are lost days.

It took me a long time to get to the place of believing this.

Forever I had been taught to accept what was. I had been taught that to ask for more would demonstrate ingratitude.

I knew that I was fortunate. I was grateful for my good fortune.

But I also knew that I could no longer accept what was.

Because in doing so, I was wasting time.

And time is ultimately all we have.

Until one day, like my friend Hanley,

we don't.

Guatemala City

2011

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Dr. Lisa's Bountiful Blog is read weekly on the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour. Show summaries are available on the Dr. Lisa website. Subscribe to podcasts of the show through iTunes and let us know what you think!

Schedule a phone or office consult with Dr. Lisa at 207 847 9393.

We Shall Overcome

When my son was small, he came home from school one day belting out the words to We Shall Overcome:

Deep in my heart, I do believe,

We shall overcome some day.

It was touching and slightly strange to hear such a solemn hymn coming from a squeaky voiced grade-schooler.

More touching still to know how much had been overcome by the time my children arrived on the scene, years after Martin Luther King Jr's death.

Today my high school sophomore daughter reflected on the fact that we now have a president who had the opportunity to ascend to this office largely due the civil rights work of MLK and his contemporaries.

She also pointed out that there are individuals who, though they might not admit it, are even now conflicted about having a black president.

Much has been overcome, and much still remains to be overcome.

But overcoming is possible, as we have come to realize.

We have, in our country, dealt with racism/sexism and every other sort of -ism one might think of. We have seen religious intolerance and gender discrimination.

And we continue to evolve.

Our children know a world that is different than the world I knew in my childhood.

A world they might not have known had we agreed to keep living with the status quo.

As we've seen in recent books & movies such as The Help, the status quo is highly fungible. Written by novelist Kathryn Stockett, The Help was a fictionalized account of middle class segregation and the phenomonon of 'hired help,' set in Jackson, Missisippi during the 1960s. This type of segregation, disturbing to contemplate, no longer legally exists.

The fact that we have progressed past this place of race-based discrimination reminds us that change is always possible--even change that seems unlikely, given that it requires shifts in societal norms and values.

Change requires that individuals like Martin Luther King, Jr., and legions of others who have championed unpopular views, be willing to sing a different song.

It requires that we buy in to the potential of hope.

Because if, deep in our hearts enough of us believe,

then it is certain 

we shall overcome some day.

Bailey Island

2012

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Dr. Lisa's Bountiful Blog is read weekly on the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour. Show summaries are available on the Dr. Lisa website. Subscribe to podcasts of the show through iTunes and let us know what you think!

Schedule a phone or office consult with Dr. Lisa at 207 847 9393.

 

 

 

 

 

KGC

All of us have our 'demons.'

These are the entities that dance about in our heads, keeping us distracted and unable to focus.

These are our thoughts about torments, past and present. These are our fears about the future.

I like to call them "Karmic Game Changers."

But they are only KGCs if we recognize them as such. Otherwise they are simply demons.

And they are demons that will dance in our heads until we die.

If we befriend the KGCs and acknowledge their importance, they may be able to help us make important changes.

Some of us have relationship demons: past hurts and wrongs that have been done to us, and we have done to others.

Some of us have financial demons: mistakes we have made that have impacted our ability to live in a fiscally responsible manner.

Demons of every sort can be found in the minds of our fellow planet dwellers.

The more menacing and scary the demons, the more important it is to acknowledge them as KGCs.

Next time the demons begin to dance, take the time to reflect on why they are doing so at that particular time. Is there an action you are taking that might be sending you back down the wrong path?

Or is there something you could do differently?

Can you sit with your discomfort long enough to make a better decision than the one you might be making?

Can you be proactive, rather than reactive?

If you can sit with your demon discomfort and chose to be proactive (try taking a few deep breaths or counting to ten as you ponder this), you are engaging the energy of your KGCs.

Practice doing this every chance you get.

Because over time, your demons will indeed stop dancing...and eventually disappear.

Leaving you changed--and grateful for the presence of your KGCs.

 

Street & Co.

2012

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Dr. Lisa's Bountiful Blog is read weekly on the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour. Show summaries are available on the Dr. Lisa website. Subscribe to podcasts of the show through iTunes and let us know what you think!

Schedule a phone or office consult with Dr. Lisa at 207 847 9393.

 

 

No Negotiability

Sometimes, no is no.

And that's all.

On the other hand, sometimes no is negotiable.

It is the fuzzy area between finality and negotiability that gets us into trouble.

Learning to say no in a way that others understand is an important skill. But first we have to really mean what we are saying. If there is any question on our part, we would do better to practice saying no by ourselves before doing so in an interpersonal setting.

Saying no is something that we actually had to unlearn. When we were small, we were very good at saying no. This is often, in fact, a two-year-old's favorite word.

We somehow, many of us, lose this skill on the road to adulthood.

Maybe it is because we don't want people to get angry with us. Or perhaps we don't value ourselves enough to realize that it is ok to set boundaries.

Maybe (as noted above) we don't really know what we want. Thus it is easier to let those around us make the decisions, and convince us that we don't know what we are thinking/feeling/saying.

At that point, it is crucial that we step back from a situation and spend time understanding our needs and wants.

It is also important that we start saying yes to ourselves.

Because until we say yes to ourselves, nobody else will either.

And no will never mean no.

 

Reid State Park

Labor Day 2011

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Dr. Lisa's Bountiful Blog is read weekly on the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour. Show summaries are available on the Dr. Lisa website. Subscribe to podcasts of the show through iTunes and let us know what you think!

Schedule a phone or office consult with Dr. Lisa at 207 847 9393.

 

'Til Death Do Us Part

Many wedding ceremonies include the phrase "Til death do us part."

A somber and stringent vow, to be sure.

It is this vow that often sticks in the consciousness of those who do not remain married indefinitely; this vow that causes a sense of failure and guilt.

Many (if not all) who end their marriages went into the union fully intending to live out their years in the company of their beloved.

Many (if not all) who end their marriages saw the vows as a contract, broken.

It has long been my observation as a physician that dissolved marriages do not come about without much forethought and pain, as well as many attempts at reconciliation.

Thus I wonder if the "death" being referenced is not the straightforward physical death of our bodies.

Perhaps it is, instead, the death of a former self.

All humans experience multiple iterations of self.  The self of our childhood, while maintaining a core that makes up the "I," is not the self of our adulthood.

Which means that the early married self is not the same self of later years.

Sometimes our later selves are able (and willing) to remain married to the later selves of our spouses.

Sometimes, once the death of our earlier selves has taken place, the death of a marriage ensues. 

Such is the case with all relationships.

Should we wish any longevity in a relationship, we must be willing to accept--and love--the ever evolving self of our "other."

We must also be willing to accept our own changing selves and their impact on our "other."

We must realize that people change, as do circumstances. People's needs change, too.

Attempt at stasis is futile.

Death is not always bad. Often it holds the promise of great transformation.

And death--at least the death of earlier selves--can lead to the beautiful transformation of a coupling.

Rather than the parting of two individuals who had previously committed to lifelong love.

 

dawn, parting

 January 2012

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Dr. Lisa's Bountiful Blog is read weekly on the Dr. Lisa Radio Hour. Show summaries are available on the Dr. Lisa website. Download podcasts of the show through iTunes and let us know what you think!

Schedule a phone or office consult with Dr. Lisa at 207 847 9393.