Many wedding ceremonies include the phrase "Til death do us part."

A somber and stringent vow, to be sure.

It is this vow that often sticks in the consciousness of those who do not remain married indefinitely; this vow that causes a sense of failure and guilt.

Many (if not all) who end their marriages went into the union fully intending to live out their years in the company of their beloved.

Many (if not all) who end their marriages saw the vows as a contract, broken.

It has long been my observation as a physician that dissolved marriages do not come about without much forethought and pain, as well as many attempts at reconciliation.

Thus I wonder if the "death" being referenced is not the straightforward physical death of our bodies.

Perhaps it is, instead, the death of a former self.

All humans experience multiple iterations of self.  The self of our childhood, while maintaining a core that makes up the "I," is not the self of our adulthood.

Which means that the early married self is not the same self of later years.

Sometimes our later selves are able (and willing) to remain married to the later selves of our spouses.

Sometimes, once the death of our earlier selves has taken place, the death of a marriage ensues. 

Such is the case with all relationships.

Should we wish any longevity in a relationship, we must be willing to accept--and love--the ever evolving self of our "other."

We must also be willing to accept our own changing selves and their impact on our "other."

We must realize that people change, as do circumstances. People's needs change, too.

Attempt at stasis is futile.

Death is not always bad. Often it holds the promise of great transformation.

And death--at least the death of earlier selves--can lead to the beautiful transformation of a coupling.

Rather than the parting of two individuals who had previously committed to lifelong love.

 

dawn, parting

 January 2012

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