It is important to know what befuddles us.

Most of us do, to some extent.

We know what we are good at.

And what comes less easily.

My biggest befuddlement comes from numbers. Specifically, money-related numbers.

This is not easy to admit.  I have many, many years of professional education and experience. I had hoped that this might lend me some ability to work with numbers, eventually.

But my befuddlement is so complete as to be nearly crippling. Worse, it is coupled with high levels of anxiety. I look at a spreadsheet and my heart pounds nearly out of my chest. I am confounded by budgets. I can never make the numbers add up. I can't make things perfect. Things are always moving and shifting. I am overwhelmed by the variables.

This inability to reach numerical perfection causes me to question myself, often. Last night I spent hours upon hours working through an important financial document. I could hear the echoes of my inadequacy bouncing around in my brain.  I was shaken by fear and self-questioning.

I was completely alone in my consternation, wrestling with my demons.

I did not go to sleep until the wee hours of the morning.

I awoke feeling deeply grateful for those who have been willing to assist me with my numbers disability; for those who are helping me through my anxiety and get my numbers in order.

For those who are helping me get over this extremely crucial befuddlement hump.

Because in the end, that is what matters: that we know what we don't know.

And we get help, as we attempt to learn and understand.

 

perspective

2011